KCI The Anti_Meth Site

What makes someone on meth a bad parent?

vctry7	What makes someone on meth a bad parent? What makes someone on meth a bad parent? I am sorry, but I think anyone that is using meth is a bad parent. I don't think that everyone deserves to have their children removed and sent to foster care, though. I think a person is a bad parent if they are using and possessing a drug that they know they could be arrested for. Then, the arrest could result in their children being traumatized by strangers taking them away. I think they are a bad parent if they are spending money to get high that could be going towards their kids. Does anyone ever think about that when they say that meth didn't make them a bad parent? Or was risking jail and spending a kid's college fund okay? I am not judging. I did much, much worse. My kids should've been taken away. I am just trying to get some opinions and understand.
Replies...
Sfj	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? You may get some opinions. (grin) But the criteria you are using for parents could be the same for people. What makes bad people? Using meth doesn't make anyone a better person. But then again, does spending money on liquor or cigs make any difference? How about gambling? Overeating ? Compulsive spending ? And a jillion other behaviors that are not healthy, positive or profitable for the family? Meth isn't the only culprit in the Bad Parent arsenal.
no more mething around	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? I think you both hit the nail on the head. I think one of the best tools in good parenting is a good example. We are all just people, we make mistakes , and it's OK to tell your kids that. I think an example of not so great parenting is telling your kid you can't afford new shoes while you're smoking a ciggy, downing a Pepsi, and have a dealer on speed dial ! The ultimate in bad parenting is selfishness.....putting your selfish needs in front of theirs.
Lisa	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? Well, ya knew you were gonna hear from me, huh? I rarely paid for meth. I was in a unique position wherein I was good friends with the dealer. I know a lot of people are good friends with the dealer, but ya have to trust me when I say mine was a unique situation. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Part of my disorder is a compulsion to be the very best parent I could be. All I ever wanted out of life was to have a child. When I got that child, I wasn't gonna let anything, ANYTHING, come between me and my kid. Meth exacerbated those already strong maternal tendencies. Wherein before I used, I volunteered in my son's classrooms, WHEN I used, I became a fairly important member of the PTA. Before I used, I fed my kid healthy food, although a lot of it was prepared (already cooked chicken, pre-washed vegetables, etc). WHEN I used, I cooked full-on health-food meals. My son continued to be my number one priority in life. That's what I mean when I say IN MY OPINION, meth takes whatever qualities are already there and magnifies them. I never carried dope with me when I went out. I did have it in my home, but because my son never suspected anything, he would have no reason to look for it. I didn't have users come into my home. When the dealer brought it over, she dropped it in the mailbox and I would go out and get it immediately. I didn't engage in risky behavior, I didn't associate with risky people (except my dealer). I'm not saying using meth made me a good mother. Quite the opposite...because of my addiction, I am now parenting at a MUCH lower capacity than I ever have. For the past year, my parenting skills (and coping skills overall) have diminished to the lowest possible denominator. Now I can't even go out of the house, much less to a PTA meeting! All I'm saying is that meth did not make me a bad mother. IN MY CASE, AND IN MY CASE ONLY, it did not affect my parenting, and in some instances...dare I say it...it may have helped (energy-wise). I'm sure, I'm POSITIVE, that had I never tried meth in the first place, I would have been a better parent, because I wouldn't have reaped the hideous after-effects of withdrawal, relapse, withdrawal, PAWS, etc. Please keep in mind I know I'm not the norm. Meth ruined my life, and if I had kept using, I have no idea what destruction would have ultimately happened. But for the six years I did use, I'm confident in only one thing...that I was a very good mom. Edited to say that way more important then what I think, my kid actually likes me as well as loves me and assures me that during my six using years, he was completely unaware of what was going on and that he didn't suffer in any way, shape or form. I suffer from terrible guilt because I knew what I was doing during that time, but it eases it just a little to know that he didn't feel any repercussions.
Freee63	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? Me too, Lisa. If anything, I overcompensated by spoiling them because of the guilt I carried for being a drug addict.
Lisa	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? I should also add that my job as a parent wasn't as challenging as some of the others on this board. I only have one child, and he was, and is, an extremely easy child to raise. I was truly blessed...I have no idea what kind of parent I would have been had I had more children, or children that were hard to handle.
Bent But Not Broken1	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? Lisa- There are other parents like you (and meth/substance users in general) who aren't all wacked out at all and are thus what I call, "Functioning" users. As long as the children do not suffer in any way, IMO, one will quit using their substance when the time comes. Note I'm not condoning abuse of kids or other human beings in any form, so don't jump my case. Each body is affected differently by what is or is not consumed is my experience. And that's my 2 cents.....while smoking a cig .
Tender hearts KS	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? *Quote:* I think a person is a bad parent if they are using and possessing a drug that they know they could be arrested for. And that the result of the arrest could result in their children being traumatized by strangers taking them away. I think they are a bad parent if they are spending money that could be going towards their kids to get high. I agree 100% I was a sh*tty parent for far too many years, and the things you mentioned were just the tip of the iceberg for me.
luve piphany	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? I'm a bad parent sometimes...I have never used drugs while I have been a parent cept for the legal ones and sugar, caffeine and nicotine do make me sicker, more tired, bythcy, angrier, etc...Most of all, those things make me feel ashamed which beats up my spiritual being and these are all the things that I consider contributing to my "bad parenting". I'm also a widow, so I fall wayyyyyy short in the parenting department even though it was of no fault of mine. I never have thought single parenting was fair to the kids....but life has not been fair and it won't be. I'm not perfect and don't want to be nor try to be. I don't want to compare myself to Marsha Brady (no one knows how her first marriage was...) just like I never judge a recovering addict by what they did when they were using. It's a personal thing-I can only try to keep my side of the street clean and be the best parent I can be. I don't think it's a great thing for anyone's recovery process to start the comparison process nor the competing process. I think it's always best for me to say, "I feel that I think this is best for me and my kids..." and stay far away from judging any parenting skills. I got into trouble many times for that in years past even when I was totally RIGHT! As I open up the Pandora's box of self reflection such as in the 4th step, I experience humbling, healing, Denial (for sure), pain and more healing. It's not an easy thing to do and that's why it's the 4th step in that program and not the first. Thank God! Some people need to comfort themselves in denial for longer periods of time with certain issues-that's fine with me-none of my beeswax. I hope others "give me a break" and don't judge me when I'm not ready to admit some things yet to myself. At the same time, give me a break if I tear myself down too much too quickly, please. It can be very hurtful to others if I put a list out of my parenting expectations of my own. They are way higher than I've ever reached. The last thing I would ever want to do is minimize the love a parent has for his/her children by putting them down-really. I would hate to work for CPS-it would kill me. I'd rather just let God handle it all Except when I know a child is being abused physically or endangered. But, that's me. My alcoholic/addict ex sis in law...well, I knew something was wrong with her...course, I knew something was wrong with my brother-he could be a real jerk (like his sibling-me). When I spoke up and put my two cents in in just an innocent simple way-WATCH OUT!!!! That Mama went on a rampage...from that day on, she drank like a fish, had internet affairs, neglected her kids like she was in another world and then left to Europe to meet up with one of the guys she met and she is still with him today. She had another baby and never asked for custody of her own three again. Sometimes I wonder if I popped a bubble that needed to be popped. I don't know, I just know that I still feel funny when I think about it and I still grieve for my sis in law and that the kids lost their mother. I've said it before, Meth is illegal-VERY. It may seem normal here on this site but just say the evil word at a PTA meeting in my neighborhood and the RIGHTEOUS go crazy. We know better than they how evil meth is and I think it's just a tool of the devil, but the fact is, is it's illegal. Anyone that does meth endangers themselves and their families in so many ways it's amazing. Some may get caught, some may never. A parent using, selling, buying, making...etc. meth is abusing themselves and in turn, abusing their children and their families, friends, employers too. In my Most Humble opinion. Thank God they recover and so do the people who love them.
jes78	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? i was a bad parent when i used. but does it mean if i buy a pack of cigs that could be used for my daughters education that I'm bad for that too? i like expensive clothes, am i wrong to buy a 100 dollar shirt? i think as long as we are trying to better ourselves we are not bad people. i also think our children should not have to witness us trying to do that. i brought my daughter into this world, and it is my responsibility that she is taken well care of. when she was taken, it was the worst day of me life, but when i look at it today, i think it was the best thing. she was only a baby, but what happened in front of her was not fair. today, we are both good parents, and that's what matters
teqa peq	Re: What makes someone on meth a bad parent? Christ I was a bad parent in sobriety. My children were babies when I got clean the oldest was 3 and the youngest was just an infant. I was ill equipped to deal with it thou. I lived vicariously thru my children. They got whatever they wanted. Regardless of whether they deserved it or not. I grew up in an alcoholic family and there was never any money for anything. I never had nice clothes or the newest toys and never went on a family vacation. My kids had it all. Family Vacations, Disney, cruises I took them everywhere and bought them everything they wanted. On top of the big family vacations in the summer we would always go to six flags, water country and go camping for a week. We have a pool in the back yard, I trampoline, go carts. In the winter we would go to the children's museum, the science museum, We'd got to the cape and spend the weekend at hotel with an indoor pool. I also was den mother, soccer mom, little league mom , and CCD teacher. Guess what. My children now have entitlement issues, which I created. Hey I did my best. If I knew then what I know now I would have done it differently. But I can't say I didn't have a lot of fun growing up with them. The teens years are brutal thou. When my oldest was 16 he was so out of control. Drugs, Drinking I was devastated. I really thought that growing up in a home without drug and alcohol abuse would make a difference. Still learning